What Do You Want?

I have these posts from time to time. Within the mess of quirky images and phrases and advice and assurances, I have that one that slips in now and again. The one that breaks my heart to write, and read. It's the honest one.

I've been on Spring Break for the past week; my last Spring Break. It feels like everything is coming to a head. In less than two months, I will be done with the chapter in my life that lasted more than a majority of it. I have wrapped myself up in books for years and prolonged my time in school because if anything has ever appeased me, it was busying my mind with school. With the aid of my education, I have been able to move to places I would have never had the chance to be, meet people, etc.

I've had so many amazing experiences, and among those include my relationships. Platonic or not. I have made amazing friends that I hate to be away from. I have dated so many amazing men that tried me and even though it didn't work out, I appreciate every single one of them for the times we had, good and bad, because I learned so much about myself and other people.

Now this all sounds very trivial and mid-grade rambling bullshit, but over this past week of no classes/no studying aside from some light reading, I've experienced for the first time what life is going to be like in less than two months. What a roller coaster.

I had some fun, and I was really bored. I was also a little bit more sober than I'd like to be on a spring break. But I actually made some realizations about myself. Here are some of them:

- At times, I am bat-shit crazy. I really wish I wasn't, but I'm coming to realize that this is who I am, and while I work on my flaws constantly, no one is perfect.
- I just want to give everything I can to the people I care about.
- I want to find love, someday.
- Being completely alone is a hard thing for me at times, but when else am I productive?
- Me - college= a sad scary world. I will be very busy to make sure I can fill my life with a job that has meaning and not just a paycheck.

Ultimately, I've realized that you can't answer the question of what you want until you figure out who you are,

Right. So, random post, but I needed to get it out. I'm learning about me through this too, aren't I?

What's In a Name

At this point in almost every aspect of my life, I am sick of titles. I guess it’s because I’m in a transitional phase- my hair is growing, I’m graduating, I’m SINGLE. I have been single before, obviously, but now, I feel I have a new approach to men and dating. I guess they call this bitterness.
I’ve decided that I will not dance, kiss, or date. These rules are implemented and sometimes followed as a mere precaution to me finding myself in another relationship. But what if I have found something along the lines of it?
And here we are at my present situation. I’m in a constant mental battle with my rules. I made the rules to help myself, but I’m ignoring the rules to be happy. And my main argument is, “What the fuck does it matter if I dance/kiss/date a boy? He doesn’t have to be my boyfriend!”
And that’s just it. My main issue is labels. I feel stuck and suffocated with a title. There are all these pressures to think about someone else, when right now, I need to be thinking of myself. I’m making big decisions for myself right now, and don’t want the influence of anyone else.
And like a nerd, I have turned to my studies to sooth me. I actually found solace:
In linguistics, some theories argue that identification is impossible. For instance, I can’t say that something is mine because what IS “mine” and what IS “something”?
In Freud, identification in dreams is an unconscious inferential process. Finding a common element causes one to see a similarity & therefore identify it.
So really, when we identify someone/something/ourselves, we’re just perpetuating a name-game. There is no reality behind identification. Just the fact that we identified.
And there it is. I am not in a relationship. I am not dating. I am not single. I am, however, a smart, caring individual who wants to be surrounded by smart and caring individuals. And a kiss from time to time.

Word

Props to Ned Hepburn.