Things to Think About II

Sometimes I feel as if this critic was describing myself instead of Tom Waits' voice: "[It sounds] like it was soaked in a vat of bourbon, left hanging in the smokehouse for a few months and then taken outside and run over with a car."

Life is exhausting. Being single is no easier than being in a relationship, and that bit of misery certainly loves company. That is why I made this blog. It should be known that just as much as this is for you, it is for me. A non-objective, caring and confident voice that will say what you (I) need to hear, not what you (I) want.

1. You should never trust someone who wants to keep you a secret.

2. Don't forget to call your parents. They love you so much.

3. Happy endings are for stories that aren't finished yet

4. If you ever need a good laugh, take Incubus lyrics and say them out of context.

5. Sundays are the new Saturday nights. Brunch, wine, recovering. Do it with a group and it won't look like alcoholism.

6. Open your curtains and keep them open. The light is motivating.

7. People are shitty. People are stupid. Move on.

8. Please take more interest in NASA's discovery of water on the moon than in Nicholas Cage, as Google analytics have shown on CNN.

If and When

We lay next to this person by specific credentials. They have proven themselves worthy of the priveledge and we equally embrace this. But we follow some primative, or perhaps conservative, notion that inhibits the humanistic while regarded as animalistic "freedom" that we are so badly trying to regain, and we are inevitably left with an emptiness, both physically (in our beds) and emotionally. Here's where we tend to fumble and end up reading this.

You are not the only person who was hurt. If you really think you are a victim in any way, you need some perspective. Don't passively assess what is going on, take charge for the sake of your hapiness! Waiting for someone else to make you happy is pointless because you can't find true happiness unless you can find it within yourself.

The heart opens up when it breaks. Don't give up on the ones yet to come.

Think Big

Apparently, there is (what I can only call) an "idea" that if you think about something long enough, you will achieve/obtain it. This is an heavily enthused (and cult followed) theory called The Law of Attraction.

The Law of Attraction works both positively and negatively. So if you think about loosing your keys enough, you may loose your keys. If you see yourself living in a big house, you may live in a big house.

I kind of want to call Bullshit, but part of me wants to feed into this. If I just started thinking more positively, life could be better for me. And the fact that people could create a theory around the power of thought alone is intriguing. And anyways, what would we be without wishful thinking?

Things to Think About

1. Everyone looks better in leather. Get yourself a jacket.

2. Keep a clean room. No one else wants to see your underwear all over the floor. Dirty or clean.

3. Something I've been wondering- what is the proper etiquette when it comes to left over condoms? You know, the dude or chick you regularly start sleeping with brings some to leave at your house, but you don't want to tap it anymore. So now you have these condoms sitting in your nightstand, that you didn't get. Do you give them back? Do you use them with your next partner? Do you throw them away?

4. The better route is to pretend like you've never met them before. Because they were probably drunk and don't remember it.

5. Never order an entire pizza without this intentions of sharing it with everyone there. Not only is that selfish, but goddamn, HOW FUCKING FAT ARE YOU??

6. Discuss your problems with your close friends. And only discuss it when they are really bothering you. Don't bombard everyone at the bar with your personal mishaps. You don't want to be known as a poor sap, do you?

7. Please don't let the cold weather be an excuse for low-maintenance pubes.

8. Morning sex is great, but morning masturbation is awesome too. And at least you will give yourself the respect as to washing your hands before. In other words, sleeping alone isn't all that bad.

9. I don't know if it is just me, but there is something really sexy about a foul mouth.

10. Don't think that because you read "Look At This Fucking Hipster" that you're not a hipster.

11. You want them because they aren't available.

Casting Call

If you want to be featured as an exemplary male/female specimen HERE- email me! If I know you, I'll choose a picture and write up a brief summary as to why you're a worthy, single candidate. If I don't, do it for me and I'll make the call as to whether or not you truly are exemplary.

Human Behavior

My friend brought up a really good point last night; if me and my girlfriends were birds, male birds would be swarming, jockeying for positions and ruffling their feathers, trying to mate with us. What I want to know is, where is my Bird of Paradise?

I am known to pounce. I see what I want and I am not afraid to go for it. A lot of times, this confidence has been excellent to me. But sometimes, at the end of the day, I just want to be pursued. And who doesn't? I'd like to be able to sit back and have a flock of colorful men fight for attention.

But, of course, I am going to spend three hours looking for what to wear, deciding how to put on my eyeliner, which bangles look better with which shoes, and even try doing my hair differently so that I can solicit passive-aggressive boys for drinks and sex, While they sit content with their complacency.

I Want to Have FUUUUUNNNNN

Where have all the cute, smart, interesting and mysterious boys gone?

I don't know who sent the memo to all guys everywhere telling them to loose their cool, but seriously, haha, very funny- jokes over.

what not to do:

Hey boys and girls, here is a PERFECT example of what NOT to do, under any circumstances.

[attached to a friend request] " Hey im notawkward guy's friend, i helped you with your macbook charger yesterday. Yes i know, kinda weird that a complete stranger, youve never really met officially is adding you but notawkward guy and i were hanging out last night and somehow you and your sister came up in the convo and when he told me about you, i thought you seemed pretty interesting and cool. He also used the word artsy to describe you multiple times which right there made you a coolkeyboardcat."

Seriously, this is real shit people. I don't want to see ANY of you sink to this level.
And what the hell is a coolkeyboardcat?????

How to Get By

So being single is sometimes a hard thing for people to deal with. For me it is only hard because I am technically "free" to do what I want, but the second I get comfortable with someone, I feel like a whore for flirting with the bartender. But really, other than that, BEING SINGLE ROCKS!!

Here are some pointers that help me get over all the other bullshit.
1. Choose a female/male rapper that YOU wish YOU rapped like and try to channel what you think their personalities are like, based on their rhymes. Girls, there are some raunchy, BEAUTIFUL, confident lady MCs out there. My choice MC: Amanda Blank. Whenever I'm feeling down or upset about anything, I ask myself, "What Would Amanda B. Do?" She would NOT sulk, EVER! She is too beautiful and talented to waste her time with being sad. AND SO ARE YOU! It is, also, a great way to act when you wanna be secccyyyy.

2. Pamper. I don't care if you're a dude or a chick, taking care of yourself is more than a thing that your mom tells you to do. I LOVE long showers and moisturizing. Buy yourself a bath robe and wear it, it makes you feel like you're at a spa. And always always always smell good!

3. Plan trips. Nothing makes me feel better than having a count-down for a voyage.

4. Drive alone. Listen to the music YOU want to listen to and scream along with it.

5. BE BUSY. If you're not, you will only drive yourself crazy. Get a job, get Rosetta Stone, start knitting, or make a blog.

6. Go out with your real friends. Don't hang with the crowd that that cute girl/guy hangs with, they are boring and are really bad at introducing themselves and listen to terrible music. Go out with the people that you feel at home with. It is ALWAYS a good time with them.

7. Watch youtube videos. There is so much funny shit on youtube, and you are automatically a funny person when you show someone funny youtube videos.

8. Spend time outside. Notice the weather, and talk to someone about it- I do this with anyone, my colleague, my financial aid advisor, my neighbor, etc.

9. Buy a French Press and coffee beans and make your own damn coffee! You just can't help but feel fancy!

10. If you know what makes you happy, DO IT! This is the part of being single that everyone forgets about. You are not tied down to ANYONE. As long as you are single, you can be selfish! Don't go out and try to hurt people, but DO go see that movie that everyone makes fun of you for liking, and DO buy a bottle of wine and share it with friends, and DO talk to WHOEVER you want! You can do it!

11. This is the last one, but probably the most important. DO NOT simmer in the discontempt you have for this world/your ex/the-guy-you-like-that-is-just-too-much-of-an-effort. You have a ten minute period right after something happens that you can be mad for. Take that time to go in the car for a quick drive and scream and say whatever it is you wish you could say or do. When you come home, do some breathing exercises and chew on gum. AND THEN GO BACK TO REAL LIFE! If you just sit and think about it, nothing is going to get better! You are too good to let someone like that upset you, you really are!


-N

Werd.

To Start

I was dumped in July. And as one thing ends, this begins.

Identities of people will be altered as to preserve their social roles.